It’s commencement season. College seniors across the country are donning mortarboards, getting misty-eyed and preparing to face the realities of President Barack Obama’s sparkling economic recovery.
The Daily Caller is a little misty-eyed, too, because college students will soon disperse from campuses for a long summer, which likely means far fewer stories about stupid and otherwise outrageous occurrences on campus.
The time is right, then, to celebrate the academic year that was. Here are the 20 stupidest, most outrageous and most cringe-worthy campus moments of 2012-13.
Florida Atlantic University: Worst university in America
What an embarrassing year for Florida Atlantic. The administration tried to punish a student who expressed discomfort with a professor’s assignment to stomp on a piece of paper bearing the word “Jesus.” Also, wackadoodle communications professor James Tracy took to his personal blog to suggest that the Boston Marathon bombing was a “mass casualty drill.” As if those incidents weren’t enough, the southeast Florida school bowed to student pressure and scrapped a $6 million agreement to name its football stadium after a for-profit prison company. During a protest over the stadium fracas, FAU’s president hit a student protester with the side mirror of her Lexus.
Dartmouth College: Most likely to let the terrorists win
Dartmouth also had a ridiculous year. The administration coordinated a manhunt to locate some guy who possibly spoke mock Chinese. Also, a campus atheist group organized an event aimed at skewering “lying, thieving Albanian dwarf” Mother Teresa. However, the prizewinner occurred when Dartmouth leftists crashed a recruiting event and loudly demanded that they get a day off from classes in order to bemoan the death of civility on campus. Craven school officials capitulated, of course, prompting one student to comment that administrators “let the terrorists win.”
George Washington University: Most prone to commit crimes against soda, Catholics, U.S. News and World Report, and Mount Rushmore
Speaking of bad years, consider The George Washington University. A law professor at George Washington forced students to undertake legal campaigns against soda companies in order to pass his class. Meanwhile, 30 percent of professors asked in a very limited survey endorsed the eventual addition of President Barack Obama’s face to Mount Rushmore. The D.C. school also admitted that it has been misreporting statistics to inflate its rankings for at least a decade. In still another incident, students tried to force a priest to leave campus. (At least GW is better than Gonzaga, though, where Catholic students can’t even form a Catholic student group.)
Columbia University: Most demented, homicidal faculty
Weather Underground radical Kathy Boudin is an adjunct professor at the Columbia University School of Social Work (and a scholar in residence at New York University). The inept getaway-car driver participated in a brazen $1.6 million Brinks truck heist along with members of the Black Liberation Army that resulted in the murder of three people. Meanwhile, it turns that out that Uma Thurman’s dad, Robert Thurman, is an Indo-Tibetan studies professor at Columbia. He made a crazy video calling Republicans “seditious” and “treasonous” for refusing to raise taxes.
Northwestern University: Most delicious multicultural blowback, con queso
A Hispanic student group at Northwestern University instructed members of the campus community to forgo eating tacos and drinking tequila on Cinco de Mayo, so as not to offend Mexican culture. But Mexican students, who indeed wanted to spend their holiday eating tacos and drinking tequila, took offense at the assumed offense. The Hispanic student group ended up with huevo on its face.
Mission College: Most valuable athlete to play college basketball both with and without a penis
Gabrielle Ludwig is a 6-foot-6-inch, 220-pound center on the women’s basketball team at Mission College, a community college in Santa Clara, California. She played this year at the age of 51. She was also a man until July. Incidentally, Ludwig played basketball more than three decades ago at another community college on Long Island in New York. Her name then was Robert John Ludwig.
Oberlin College: Best faked or imaginary Ku Klux Klan sighting
A month-long spat of racist, anti-Jewish and anti-gay messages at simperingly progressive Oberlin College turned out to have been the handiwork of two students. The series of incidents culminated in “a report of a person wearing a hood and robe resembling a KKK outfit” near the school’s “Afrikan [sic] Heritage House.” Police at the Ohio school scoured the area but were only able to find a student draped by a blanket. Nevertheless, Oberlin’s apoplectic administration cancelled classes for a whole day.
Harvard University: Most likely to confirm everything non-leftists believe about Harvard
Deciding at long last to make things official, the student newspaper at Harvard wrote an editorial begging conservatives to please stop applying to Harvard. The editors had grown tired of conservative Harvard alums going on to criticize the university.
University of California, Berkeley: Best witch hunt against a charity organization
UC Berkeley liberals may love giving away money (especially tax dollars), but they love to hate Christian groups even more. No surprise, then, that the student government attempted to kick the Salvation Army off campus.
University of Chicago: Most successful dildo giveaway that was also marketed as fun for the whole family, even the kiddies
The University of Chicago pulled out all the stops for its sex-week festivities. There were pornographic movies, interviews with people in the porn business, condom and sex-toy giveaways galore, anal sex instructions, and even a workshop titled “Sex for Kids.”
Swarthmore College: Most baffling attempt to make a university’s revenue stream go extinct
A leftist student group at Swarthmore College wants the university to divest from fossil fuels, a move that would cost millions of dollars and force administrators to jack up tuition. In pursuit of this goal, a leader of the group, Mountain Justice, wrote that free speech would naturally need to be diminished. Students at the swanky suburban Philadelphia school also persuaded the scheduled commencement speaker to withdraw because he was once connected to the Bush administration. And, of course, a guest lecturer dropped by campus to proclaim that Jesus was bisexual.
University of Wyoming: Best alleged Facebook hoax perpetrated by an obese feminist
University of Wyoming student Meg Lanker-Simons was charged with interference with a police investigation after she allegedly posted on an anonymous social media page called UW Crushes that she wanted to “hatefuck” someone named – wait for it – “Meg Lanker Simons.” The 28-year-old undergrad had previously been convicted of aggravated assault after she brandished a gun at an employer who fired her.
Brevard Community College: Best unabashed voter intimidation
The president at Brevard Community College in Florida recommended the sacking of a tenured math professor who forced her students to sign pledges that they would vote for President Barack Obama last November. A three-month investigation found the professor, Sharon Sweet, guilty of electioneering, harassment and incompetence.
Brown University: Most confusingly offensive sex-related event
Are you a gay minority student struggling with an attraction to white people? Well, you missed out if you didn’t attend Brown’s “Protect Me From What I Desire” workshop on sexuality and attraction, where participants were segregated by race to enhance the dialogue, somehow. The Ivy League school also made headlines by covering students who decide they want to change genders under an already-generous student health insurance plan.
DePaul University: Most flagrant vandalism of a memorial for dead babies
On the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, 13 student vandals destroyed an anti-abortion display on the main campus of the nation’s largest Catholic university. The makeshift monument was erected by the DePaul chapter of Young Americans for Freedom with school permission. Later, an anonymous student wrote a letter to the student newspaper insisting that students have a right to walk across the Chicago campus without having their pro-abortion sensibilities offended.
Lehigh University: Most outrageous lawsuit
Lehigh University graduate Megan Thode sued Lehigh for $1.3 million because she was unhappy that she got a C+ in a class in 2009. Thode, 27, said the grade ruined her dream of becoming a licensed professional counselor. Her civil suit alleged breach of contract, sexual discrimination and a broader attempt to force her to abandon the graduate degree she had been pursuing. The Pennsylvania judge in the case ruled in favor of Lehigh.
University of Cincinnati: Best helicopter parents
A judge granted 21-year-old Aubrey Ireland a stalking order against her own parents after she claimed that the parents installed tracking software on her phone to monitor her around the clock. David and Julie Ireland must stay 500 feet away from the theater student for a year.
San Jose State University: Least self-awareness
Sky-is-falling environmentalism professors at San Jose State University did the very thing conservatives often accuse them of doing: They burned a book that was skeptical of climate change. (RELATED: Climate change profs burns skeptical book)
University of North Carolina Wilmington: Best filthy poetry by a professor at a taxpayer-subsidized institution
The faculty of publicly-funded UNC-Wilmington is the professional home of Alessandro Porco, a randy professor who exuberantly peddles decadent smut. “Who would say No to a gang-bang?” asks one of his poems. “Who would say No to my scholarly toungin? Thank you fathers for your daughters.” Other gutter poems are entitled “Did I Shave My Nuts For This?” and “Ménage à Bush twins.”
Johns Hopkins University: Worst use of a simile for political purposes
Some members of the student government at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore were determined to prevent pro-life students from forming an official campus group, because, see, pro-lifers are just like the Klu Klux Klan.